Loss*

No one can quite know the deep, intense feeling of loss until you experience it. I have lost friends, pets, and family, but nothing compares to my mom. I miss her so much. It hurts so bad. It is hurting all of us and breaking us apart. I usually write these thoughts privately, in my journal, but I just felt the need to get it out there right now. There should be a sign of mourning so that people are kind to you. Everything feels like a giant sob, like your breath has been knocked from your chest and your mouth, when you are grieving a close loss. Not being able to talk to my mom every day rips me apart. I am doing everything I am "supposed" to do, but it doesn't help. I feel so alone in my grief. Its a hard thing to share with people. Its like a constant burn. Some days I don't want to get out of bed and even when I do, every step is an achievement. People just don't understand it unless they have been here. I wish I could sleep away the next 5 months of grief, because it definitely is getting harder every day. I just want to wake one day and accept the ugly truth that she is gone. Right now, irrational me just still can't believe it. I never knew something could hurt my heart this much. It has changed me and now defines everything that I do. I want her back. You are never too old to want your mommy. And never tell a grieving person that they have to let go, move on, accept it, etc, because unless you have walked in their shoes, you have no clue what it feels like.