Thanksgiving*

In 2001, I spent my first family holiday with Patrick at his moms house. She had us play a game where we picked a name and said why we were thankful for that person. Patrick said he was thankful for me, that he found me, that we are meant to be, and what a great gift I was to him. That was the moment I knew I loved him. I have never stopped loving him since that day 15 years ago. After we split up for good in 2011, I lost my taste for this holiday. In part because it was our special holiday, one in which we created many memories around, but also because when you lose someone who is such a big part of your life, you really grapple with finding a reason to be thankful on this day. Losing a husband, who you love so much, is like losing them to death. But it some ways it hurts more because there are still here, you just are no longer together. After our first Thanksgiving together, we started a tradition of putting up a "Chanukah bush". We bought a real tree and lots of blue and silver decorations, and that was what we did after celebrating with our families. By the next year, we were in our first house and had purchased a artificial tree that we used until we were no longer together. The first year with the artificial tree, we added some sentimental ornaments from his childhood along with framed pictures of our dogs. We added in Rottweiler's and Bulldog's and Tarheel ornaments. As the years passed our tree grew more and more beautiful and more and more a symbol of our love and life together. It was under that tree that he put my engagement ring and asked me to marry him. Around the same time we started a tradition of attending the Southern Christmas Show right before this holiday. We always went to the Carters the night before Thanksgiving and on Christmas Eve. It was a time for family and love and coziness. I miss that more than anything in the world. Then last year, my world shattered further right before this holidays because I lost my beloved, sweet mother to cancer. One more reason that I cannot find a reason to be thankful on this day. This is by far my saddest, loneliest, most reflective and most regretful day of the year. So when people do not understand why I cannot celebrate Thanksgiving...well it is because on this day, I have nothing to be thankful for and everything to be regretful for. It is not a day I wish to celebrate because it is too full of loss. My season of regret begins on October 13th (Patrick's birthday) and lasts until it just no longer hurts. We had it all, we were good together, we were partners in crime and much, much more. He is my whiskey (Garth and Trisha fans will understand this reference). He was one half of my heart and my mom the other. So all I feel today is emptiness. I miss my mom, I miss my other loved ones that are no longer here, and I miss Patrick and his family. When you lose a significant other to divorce, you also lose a family and his family and I loved each other too. Now my family is shattered and my marital family is shattered and on this day of regret, things just hurt. My therapist told me I need to let go of the past. I have let go of everything else, but I cannot let go of my mom, Patrick, or the loss and sadness I feel this time of the year. If I could go back and change just ONE THING that was within my control, I would go back to those times with Patrick and hold on dearly and pray that there were there to stay. I would also be remiss in mentioning that on Thanksgiving 2007, I met my best friend Les, who I lost tragically in 2013. He was a very, special important person in my life and on this day, I hold my memories of him close as well. Rest in Peace Mom and Les and Patrick, you are forever loved by me.